...with a spotlight on : A Born-Again Drunktank.
When we last “ran into” Drunktank, she had vomited and molested her way into THO’s body and room. Now, she feels that she has found her newest soulmate in ZA!, and her love appetite for him is insatiable. Ever since they have been together [~22 hours, 21 of them filled by hungover sleep and the other one filled by DT’s blackout] DT has been inspired by ZA! and has given up drinking- this time for good. Or so she thinks…
Scene opens with a close-up on a Matzah box. A zoom-out reveals it to be in the hands of the DT, who has a serene smile on her face. Also out of the ordinary is her outfit. She is wearing yellow, FITTED Capri pants that do not reveal her crack area. She is also wearing two pink double popped Polo shirts, apparently inspired by her secret crush, who she will only call ‘Jawann.’ She is seated Indian-style, flanked by her girls Bon-Wih, Balz, and POGOF, who are not dressed as smartly as her, though close. One’s wearing a towel, the other a t-shirt and underwear, and one’s naked. Guess.
DT: You know guys, I think this one is it. ZA! is the one. He is my jihad.
BALZ: I think you are using that incorrectly, especially holding a Matzah box.
DT: Doesn’t it mean someone that I would totally like fight for?
B-W: Uh, no.
DT: Well, what-ev. Nothing comes between me and my man. We do not have sex- we make love. It is spiritual, metaphysical, ideological, and heretical. We are IN LOVE.
POGOF: DT, you’ve been with him for less than a day. Have you even seen him? And why the fuck are you holding the Matzah box? Have you ever had matzah before? Here’s a hint: It sucks.
DT: You guys are just bringing me down with your non-Jewish ways of thinking. And for your information, I am holding my Matzah to get closer with my man. I would do anything for him- literally anything, which is why I have decided to give up drinking.
(At this announcement, B-W spits out her cous-cous, Balz spits out her carrots, and POGOF spits off what little clothing she had on)
B-W: So, um, this will last for…
DT: EVER! I am dedicated! And horny!
BALZ: You do know that Mardi Gras is this weekend, right?
DT: FUCK! (At this she jumps up, busting open her pants to reveal a more DT-like 18 inches of ass crack. She waddles and moans to The Mansion, crying like a wet weasel) ZA!, I have to break up with you, I love you too much, but it’s Mardi Gras! And I ran out of my beads from last year! And I have to have the most beads! I can’t take this anymore, I love you too much! (As she slams the door shut, sobbing louder than a donkey in labor, ZA! can be heard saying ‘We were dating?’)
(As DT slams open the Suite door, on her hands and knees from the pain of love’s labor’s lost)
BALZ: So how’d it go? You do the deed?
B-W: Hey, don’t be sad. We do believe in fairies, we do we do!
DT: I believe in the drinking fairy. Let’s get drunk whooo Mardi Gras! (She rips off her clothes to reveal three Star of Davids in strategically placed positions) Beads! Beads! Beads! Shots! Shots! Shots!
POGOF: Dude, Mardi Gras isn’t until this weekend. It’s still Tuesday you crazy fuck.
DT: Whateva I am ready to partayyyyy! (She goes into her room, slipping into something a little more comfortable: sweatpants with her cherry red thong pulled up, a black front-clasp bra and a blue boa. With a few smears of thong-matching lipstick and some boa-matching eyeliner, she is ready to party like it actually is Mardi Gras) Guys let’s go!
(For sheer entertainment value the girls follow, walking 15 feet behind and whistling to attract attention to the Tank [like she needs it] as they head downtown on a hot Tuesday night. Finally, DT sees something that at once arouses and frightens her, not an every-hour occurrence)
DT: OMG guys that guy driving the car was totally wearing a boa and a snake and a boa!
POGOF: How many boas or snakes was he wearing?
DT: Like a million! I want one!
B-W: Maybe you should go up and talk to him. Think of it like a homework assignment.
DT: Pssh! I don’t do homework! I’m the Tank, bitch! Peace out homedogs!
(DT runs as fast as her blue boa will take her, sprinting after the car. The driver, being that it is darkish, sees only a huddled mass screaming profanities and wearing next to nothing. Naturally, he speeds up. DT sees this, but continues chasing him for another twenty minutes until she can no longer see the car. Crushed, she flops down onto the ground into the fetal position and groans.)
DT: OOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why me? I don’t get it, like bad shit always happens. I wish there was a sign…
(Suddenly, a neon light turns on. Lucky for the Tank a bar across the street has just opened, aptly named Steamroller. The girls by now have caught up with the Tank. They help her up and escort her into the bar, where she is promptly bought 12 drinks by the various men at the counter. The other girls slither in and immediately make calls on their non-DT like non-crappy phones to the groups: The Mansion and The Stoned. Finally they will be combined in order to be witness to the spectacle that is about to take place.)
DT: You know what guys, I think that guy with the boas and the snakes was a sign! I think that for here on out I am meant to be either: In a bar, taking shots, hungover, or drunk! From this point on, I don’t care if I will have to lie, cheat, steal, or kill, I will NEVER be sober again!
(Scene ends with a close-up on the row of shots that the patrons of the bar have bought for her. The row seems never-ending)
ZA!: Yo, DT is a crazy motherfucker. First we’re dating, then we’re not, then she’s drunk, I mean this bitch is a one-woman fuck-razy! machine. It was cool that she saved me and all, but damn! All I can say is, this chick bettah watch herself for Mardi Gras- wait what the fuck am I saying she knows what she’s doing she’s the Tank!
To be continued…
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