Scene opens with a slamming door and a DT stumbling in, reeking of alcohol and brimming with sweat. Surrounding her in the suite are Balz, POGOF, and Bon-Wih.
DT: OMG guys I just ate dinner with the crew team and we like tapped a keg! I am soooo drizz-unk!
BALZ: DT, it’s 4 pm on a Tuesday. What are you doing with your life?
DT: DRINKING, duh! C’mon guys, drink with me! (The three giggle and shake their heads with awed silence) Well, if you won’t then I goddamn will! (She picks up her handle and pours a hefty shot, so hefty in fact that it overflows on the side. She cries, cursing the other people near her for ‘making me spill my crunk juice,’ while the others around her nearly suffocate from containing their laughter)
POGOF: Well, I’m going to see what’s happening in the Mansion if anyone wants to join me (She tunnel visions Bon-Wih and Balz while sharpening her eyebrows, hinting that DT may be too drunk for human contact)
DT: I’ll come! It’s totally an adventure! (POGOF and Balz roll their eyes while Bon-Wih laughs)
POGOF: OK, let’s go- all the way down the jungle-like hall. (The three other ones, including DT, follow her to the Mansion, where liquor flows like water and men act as men should- with gusto)
(DT opens the door first): Hey guys! What’cha doin’? (She sees what she thinks is no one in the Common Room, but upon closer drunken inspection she sees SS/MTV curled up against the futon with Stinky Cheese, napping to the sounds of NTB, ZA!, and NIMH playing the popular online game of Warcraft to the gentle light and soothing aroma of STORMWATCH, a man’s candle. Mer is also in the room, staring at NIMH in hopes to break the spell of the game. No dice. Without turning away from their strategery-based game, all three yell ‘Hello’ as they apparently kill ‘dirty fucking orcs’)
DT: OMG guys what are you playing? I don’t understand? Do you have any beer?
NTB: Well, first, if you would shut the fuck up for one second and actually watched what we were doing, you would realize it was D & D plus Risk minus stupid dice-rolling. Also, it looks like you’re holding a handle of vodka, so you probably don’t need what little beer we have.
DT: OMG you know in Sex and the City when Samantha got cancer and she was bald? That was an awesome wig!
NTB: That actually has absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about. You’re fucking drunk.
DT: (laughs) Hahaha, you’re funny! (Turns on the TV and recognizes her favorite commercial) OMG! Doggy Steps! I would totally buy that for myself, cuz sometimes I need help getting into my bed! Or, one of you guys could help me… (looks knowingly around the room, but is met with gags and awkward open-mouth stares)
SS/MTV: Uhhhhh… no. (Vomits in his mouth while the others turn up the volume for their game, chanting ‘Monster Kill!’)
DT: Guys, let’s do something fun! C’mon c’mon! (Begrudgingly the boys all go into the Common Room, where DT decides to start a dance party to the tunes of the Spice Girls) OMG my favorite song! (She shows off her dance moves, slowly trying to move closer and grind on the Mansion boys)
SS/MTV: Before you do something really fucking stupid, why don’t you just think about this: What Would Wileux Do?
(The group all gaze up at Wileux, who provides a stern yet guiding glance toward DT)
DT: (crying as she realizes Wileux’s power) I don’t understand why I don’t have any friends! Hey, is that Mer-lot? I love French stuff! (Picks up the wine and chugs it)
MER: (muttering) Wow, a new DT low. I’d rather go finish my recombinant DNA technology lab report than watch this ridiculousness. Steve! (She snaps at Steve, who at her call follows with a hung head, as the last shred of manhood effectively falls off of his body)
DANGLES: (entering the room) POGOF, are you gonna take that? That’s your husband! (the previous statement is slurred, as he is more than visibly drunk. Spit has dribbled onto his shirt and two shot glasses are in his hands) Who wants a shot?
POGOF: (whispering to Balz) He’s TOTALLY that guy.
BALZ: Yeah, and guess who’s that girl?
DT: Me! I want some shots! (The two take a shot apiece) Yeah, POGOF don’t take that shit from your husband! Relationships are too complicated, anyway. That’s why I’m always on boy-strike. You should just-
DANGLES: - Bone him! (laughs maniacally)
DT: OMG! That’s what I was going to say! Wowww (looks dreamily into his bloodshot and watery eyes) How do you know me so well?
DANGLES: (laughs, takes another shot, and spills half of it on his face)
Ahhh… wanna see my new tattoo?
DT: Sure!
DANGLES: Yeah, well, it’s in my room. Let’s GO.
DT: Bye guys! (Dangles and DT exit)
SS/MTV: Wow, that was worse than fucking condom sex.
You guys wanna play some beer pong?
(They all play some pong, but ZackAttack! stays behind)
ZACKATTACK!: (turning on Warcraft) It’s probably fun for other people to watch DT be that loud annoying drunk girl, but there are some serious issues. For example, what happens in the morning when DT doesn’t remember and stumbles back into her room, only to wake up in five hours not remembering the entire night, and wondering in the morning why she has a ‘Dangles Wuz Hear’ tattoo in her danger spot. Oh well, she’ll say, but not I- Oh, fuck! (fumbles on his computer for a few minutes) Yeah, fuck you orc! Anyway, moral of the story, try to write down what you’re doing when you’re drunk, so that not only will you know best in the morning, but the world will know better once they steal your journal.
