...with a spotlight on: History Repeating, guest starring Tyson as "T-Bag" and Offc. Blow as "Po-Po".
In our last episode, Drunktank had wooed and destroyed not one but two sketchballs, but switched it up a bit by making them of two different sexes. When she woke up the next morning, she had an epiphany. She was tired of not remembering any of her nights and hook ups, and being made fun of relentlessly for them. Since the time of that night to the present she had given up drinking for good, doing so by going to frats sober and having animalistic sex with drunken freshman. For DT, sex became a substitute for drinking. Now it is the last day of her sophomore career, and she is feeling a bit sentimental.
Scene opens with a close-up on a picture frame. In it is a shot of Drunktank surrounded by everyone on the fateful Mardi Gras night. She is taking a shot while another is in her hand, as the table of people is either staring awkwardly or pointing at her. Needless to say, it is quintessential Drunktank.
DT: Oh what a night! (starts crying) How can you miss something so much but yet be so glad that it’s gone?
BALZ: Are you talking about Herpes or your imaginary friend Dildo?
DT: Neither! I’m talking about drinking. Like, I’m glad that I have sex a lot now, but I had sex a lot when I was drunk, too, so not really anything has changed. Wait… were you making fun of me, Balz?
POGOF: No one would ever make fun of you Dtank. Ever.
BALZ: Not ever.
B-W: No way no how.
DT: OK guys, like I get it! I can’t believe it’s almost over!
POGOF: What you’re self-imposed drinking exile or the school year?
DT: Obvi! the school year. Like, I won’t see so many people for so long! It’ll be as wack as crack!
BALZ: Wait- your crack or drug crack?
DT: Obv! Drug crack. My crack is sexy as a donkey on a leash.
POGOF: So, embarrassingly un-sexy?
DT: Well anyway I really want to spend some time with everybody before everyone leaves. We should invite T-Bag over.
B-W: He’s already here! (T-Bag walks through the door, and with a flip of his goddess-like hair he is pounced upon by his identical twin POGOF, who squeals like a new-born kitten as Balz yells his name over and over again.)
T-B: Hey (he says this with the utter manliness that most man-boys dream off, which stems from his ability to turn any liquid into Steel Reserve and make girls’ panties come off with a single carve of his longboard)
DT: (while humping his leg) What’cha doin’ tonight, T-Bag?
T-B: Prolly watching mst3k and eatin some grub.
DT: That’s it, I’m drinking!
T-B: Cool?
B-W: And your recent sober-ness? Does it mean nothing to you now?
DT: Dudes, it’s like the last time I’m a gonna see some folks for a while, cuz I’m going to
ALL: We know.
DT: Sooooo, drinking!!! (She runs down the hall, sneakily, to the Mansion, where she raids their fridge and scurries back into the Suite with the loot) Guys I found some!!!
POGOF: That looks like the shit that the Mansion boys bought especially for this weekend.
DT: Nuh uh! It’s mine! See? (she points to all of the containers, which now have ‘DT’ carved on them in marker)
POGOF: That’s actually washable marker.
DT: Not when I drink it! (She chugs for a total of two seconds and then falls flat on the floor) Drunk Drunk Drunk Me Me Me!
BALZ: At least we know her tolerance hasn’t changed a bit. (T-Bag is laughing so hard that he is crying and hunched over in the fetal position, while POGOF is stroking him and trying to hold back gasps of delight)
DT: I wanna go out! Let’s go! (She scurries, once again, down the hall to the Mansion, where the boys [and Mer] all have vacant expressions on their faces while watching Paintball on ESPN2) Guys! We’re going streaking- I mean partying!
SS/MTV: In either case, count me out! Hahaha, get it?
NTB: Uh, no. Where are you partying?
DT: Like downtown
MER: DT, I think we know where downtown is. We live here, too. Steve, can’t you see that we’ve all clearly had about enough of this too-boring-to-be-a-sport Paintball? Turn it the fuck off if you don’t want your computer privileges taken away again.
NIMH: But honey, I get so much pleasure out of it! Can’t I, just this one-
MER: NO! I should be all the pleasure you need! NOW TURN IT OFF!
NIMH: Yes, Mer. Can we cuddle?
NTB: Haha you just said cuddle. Pussy. Real men don’t ask they do.
SS/MTV: I do! Hahah get it? Wait, Steve, are you pulling out a condom? Get the FUCK out of my suite. We are no longer roommates.
NIMH: I was just trying, Oh fuck it! (Steve waddles out of the suite, crying as he tries to give himself a hug but fails)
NTB: Well, I can’t speak for ZA!, but I’d say we’re ready to go whenever you are, DT.
ZA!: Oh I’m ready to go!
NTB: Kick it!
DT: Wait, I gotta go talk to the Stoned!
SS/MTV: Hurry your drunk ass up ho. (The girls sans Mer scamper down to the room of JJJ, where the boys are stoned out of their heads)
DT: Hey guys wanna come party? I have a tongue ring!
J/G: Well, you know what they say about girls with tongue rings… I’m down.
KC: (impish grin) What do they say?
J/G: Well, to quote Chris Rock in “No Sex in the Champagne Room,” ‘If a girl has a tongue ring, she’ll probably suck your dick. If a guy has a tongue ring, he’ll probably suck your dick.’
DT: I love it when guys have tongue rings! Let’s go guys, I’m in a big big hurry!
THO: In girl talk that means ‘I’m horny as fuck.’
JJ: Let’s hit it.
DT: Yea! Go time!
(The motley crew heads downtown, quickly finding a party at a bar. Soon enough, DT is dancing on the bar to the tunes of Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie.’ Unfortunately, she attracts more attention than she can handle)
DT: (to the girls) Come up and dance with me!
THE GIRLS: Um, no. (With this rejection DT leans down and bites all of them quite hard on the shoulder) What the fuck, DT?
DT: DT hungry. Want to dance.
SS/MTV: Dudes, check it out, DT is totally eating the girls… literally, not the hot way.
MANDELA: Hot. (Suddenly, an oddly recognizable man stands up, wearing a beat-up leather jacket and tight-ass Wrangler jeans. He flashes a badge at the Tank)
POPO: Ma’am, if you could step down from that table?
DT: Nooooooooooooooooooo!
POPO: Well, ma’am, if I could see your ID and confirm that you are in fact 21, then I will only charge you with public drunkenness and attempted battery on these young women.
DT: Uh, I forgot it at home? Awk?
POPO: Well then ma’am I’m gonna have to take you down to the station.
DT: No! Anything but that! I haven’t even finished my drink! I was just dancing! I’m blonde! I’m not that drunk! I have a tongue ring!
POPO: Well, if you would take a breathalyzer to confirm that you are not drunk I will gladly let you off the hook.
DT: Ok! Sounds great!
POPO: If you’ll just follow me. What’s your name young lady?
DT: My friends call me the Tank.
POPO: That is an extremely alluring name… (DT and Popo leave the bar, with DT giggling like a lovesick puppy and Popo smiling and asking to see her tongue ring)
NTB: Isn’t that a bad idea, her going off with a cop?
THO: What the Tank wants the Tank gets.
ZA!: That IS true. You can’t tame the Tank, no matter how hard you try.
J/G: Yeah, didn’t you guys date or something?
ZA!: I didn’t actually know we were dating at the time. Apparently she was sober for the entire time to support me.
JJ: How long did you guys date?
BALZ: Less than a day-ish.
MANDELA: That’s straight-up love.
Two hours later, DT and Popo return…
DT: We’re back! OMG guys we saw the greatest movie! It’s called the
POGOF: You would.
B-W: So, are you arrested?
POPO: I decided to let this one go. She explained the whole situation to me very thoroughly and I realized that she was completely innocent.
POGOF: About as innocent as her tongue ring is right now.
DT: Hey! How’d you know I have a tongue ring?
NTB: Maybe because your mouth is open 99.9% of every day?
DT: Nuh uh! You guys are liars!
JJ: Absolutely not! You take that back DT!
DT: Ok! Hey, what are you guys drinking? My Officer and a Gentleman here, who I call Mr. Blow, has offered to buy us all drinks on the house!
BALZ: DT if it’s on the house it means it’s free from the bar, not that he’s buying them.
DT: What-ev, shots! (Takes ten) Guys, I’m gonna miss you so much! Like do they have alki in
POPO: I can send you alcohol, baby. It can be just like the movie we saw.
DT: Oh, my favorite! To tell you the truth I don’t remember much of it, but it was awesome! Maybe I should drink more and then I’ll remember?
ALL: Um, obvi!
(Scene ends with the group pulling out a special goodbye handle for DT, who guzzles it with all the strength that her tongue ring can muster. Soon enough she passes out and is taken back to the dorm with her one true love, Off. Blow, who she finds quite handy in getting out of trouble with the law, but in true DT fashion she dumps him once she realizes that he is way too fucking old and not wealthy enough to support her pool boy fixation. Also, she misses the youthful vigor of Blake)
ZA!: Oh, DT. Who would have ever foreseen her newest fling being with a Po-po? Me, that’s who. DT has gone through some foxy men (myself included), but a guy whose last name is Blow? Hot damn. What-ev, I’m just sad that I didn’t know about the tongue ring before all these shenanigans began. It’s pretty hot. But I’ll be interested to see how she deals in
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