This episode takes place on Straight-Up Mardi Gras, with a spotlight on: Bitch Fight!, with guest appearances by Random Girl as "RG" and Sketchy Asian Man as "SAM."
Finally, the sacred time for all lovers of drunk and tit [everyone] to celebrate and throw careless worries like Herpes and the actual monetary value of plastic beads out the window. DT is front row center for a hella good time at the bar called Steamroller, accompanied by her Suite-ass bitches, the Mansion, and the Stoned. Literally everyone in the bar is drunk, except for ZA!, who is fucked up on all kinds of Kedem grape juice.
Everyone is sitting in a wraparound table except for DT, who has lost only her sweatpants from her previous costume, but has added approximately 72 pounds of beads onto her body, mostly from perfecting the art of what she calls the worm standing up, but is actually just balls-out humping people. The table had created a drinking game which made the participants take a shot every time DT: shrieked with delight, saw liquor, or got a beaded necklace. This happened too frequently, so it was cancelled after a minute and a half. The scene begins with a close-up on a filled shot glass. The glass is soon grabbed by not one hand, but two.
DT: WTF, mate!?
RG: OMG! Like, bitch that’s my shot. (RG, though not as classy as the DT [but who is?] is certainly trying. She is obviously blonde, obvio wearing denim mini-shorts with the pockets out, obvi wearing a pink see-thru bra, and obv wearing more make-up than a clown/ French whore/ Theta girl.) I know you did not just touch my alki, boa-face!
BALZ: Uh, oh. DT has some competition.
NTB: But which one is blonder?
THO: Not blonde enough, if you ask me.
DT: Bitch oh no you di’in! (DT lunges at the rival beast, grasping first for her rival’s beads so that she can truly have more. RG, unfortunately being less drunk [obvi!] than the champ Tank, is able to use her whorish cheetah moves and move out of DT’s way, who falls on the floor. She takes this opportunity to self-advertise, once again, and proceeds to do the worm on the floor, but just ends up humping some guy’s leg.)
RG: Take that, you stupid hobag. Go back to the drunktank where you belong.
DT: Wait, how did you know my name? For serial, like are we soulmates?
RG: (Has taken five more shots since their “fight” and is beginning to feel it) Haha you’re blonde too! That’s wicked sweet! Have you ever kissed a girl?
DT: Like a million!
RG: How many for real?
DT: Does trying count?
POGOF: If trying counts, then DT is the girl make-out champ.
RG: No.
DT: (Hangs her head) Then none. You wanna be my first? (Immediately after saying this, RG grabs DT by the ears and wrenches her toward her gaping slobbery mouth. DT giggles with delight and wags her tongue all around RG’s mouth, slowly taking off her clothes. Unfortunately for her, RG spots her “Dangles Wuz Hear” tattoo on her danger spot, as well as the many Stars of David, which RG sees as marked places)
SS/MTV: Holy fucking shit.
NIMH: Don’t see that everyday, but I wish I did (looks longingly at his Wife and Mistress) Continue!
RG: Bitch, you’s a ho! You frontin’ on me?
DT: No, I’m just loving you!
RG: Look behind you bitch, it’s the door, the only thing that will be smacking yo trailer trash skanky ass tonight.
DT: Not if I smack it first! (With this DT sprints to the door, gets distracted by the bartender pouring a shot and smacks headfirst into the burly door, ending up knocked out on the floor)
BW: Uh, oh. The Tank is down for the count.
SAM: I can help! I’m a doctor! (SAM is Sketchy Asian Man, who has been on the outskirts of the group for the entire night, secretly buying drinks for DT and eyeing her. After stalking his prey for hours, it appears that he is ready to make his move) Come here beautiful, let me take you to my hospital. (He drags DT back up to the bar and lays her out on top of two barstools. The renewed smell of alcohol awakens the Tank)
DT: Yum yum? Mamma wants her crunk juice.
SAM: Shhhhhh (places his finger on her mouth) You’re weak, mon cherie. Let me take care of you. I saved your life.
DT: (now fully awake) You didn’t save my life, my crunk juice did!
SAM: But I’ve been buying your precious crunk juice for you all night! Can’t you see that I love you?!
DT: YOU were the one buying all those shots? In that case, let me properly thank you. (She stands to her feet, and gasps as the epic song “Turning Japanese” comes over the speakers. She pulls SAM to his feet and they sway to the rhythm of the beat, DT giving him cocktease-like kisses. Once the song is over, however, she sings a different tune) Yo, I’m out.
SAM: But why, we were having such a good time. And I love you. You could stay a lil longer, right? We could get married!
DT: Nah, man. I don’t care if you are a doctor. I NEED to marry a Harvard grad with oodles of disposable income who is over the age of 75 so that I can have my precious pool boy.
SAM: Let me be your pool boy!
DT and the crew head out back to the dorm. As soon as they enter UHeights DT has completely forgotten about the entire night, but wonders why her mouth feels dry. She later blames it on the alki, and passes out to the soothing sounds of “Turning Japanese,” which she has a renewed fondness for some reason that she cannot remember.
ZA!: Two in one night! DT’s a stone fox! Or is that the Kedem talking? Anyway, in this case I am not actually sure if DT knows best. First a girl, then a guy, then not remembering? Oy vey! But I can honestly say that she may in fact still know best because she was able to get out of both situations with gusto and her class intact, almost, as it always should be.
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