Episode I: The Drunktank Menace

EPISODE I: <THE DRUNKTANK MENACE>
WITH A SPOTLIGHT ON: THE DRUNKEN HOOK-UP

The scene opens with a close-up on Drunktank’s pirate shotglass. Within seconds it is filled with a liquid, picked up, and then placed down and filled again, followed by loud laughing. The camera moves to Drunktank’s face, which is very red, with tears rolling down it and her arm wiping the wetness away.

DT: My tolerance isn’t what it used to be! (falls on the floor off of her chair from laughing)

POGOF: How many have you had?

DT: (still laughing) Well, let me look.
(Pulls up her sleeve to look at several permanent marker hash marks) Three!

POGOF: Your arm says two.

DT: Yeah, but I just had another one, remember?! Or did I? I don’t know, whatev, let’s take another! (Shrugs her shoulders and smiles mischievously)

POGOF: Nah, I have class tomorrow.

DT: Me, too… at 12:20! (Announces it like a victory) But I have to wake up at 7 am to go running. Oh, well, Thirsty Thursday! (takes another shot and awkwardly moves from the floor to her chair) What’s going on tonight?

POGOF: I think Juan’s brother is coming to visit. I met him earlier.

DT: Let’s go visit!

(The two move from DT’s room, one stumbling and the other running)

POGOF: It’s a race!

DT: Ohhh, I drank too much. Stop running! Hey, wait up! I don’t run!
Ohh (moans and trips on her jeans, falling to the ground)

POGOF: DT, get the fuck up. Your entire ass crack is hanging out.

DT: Whatev, free advertising. Let’s go see Blake. (stumbles on ahead, bumbling down the stairs)

(The two reach the door. DT stumbles in first with a big smile, as her soul’s counterpoint is recognized. POGOF slithers in, easing her way onto the couch)

DT: Hey guys! What’s up?
THE STONED: (Various moans of hello, interspersed with Blake’s giggles)

BLAKE (To DT): Hi, I’m Blake! What’s your name?

DT: DT!

BLAKE: Wow, that’s a really pretty name. Want a shot?

DT: Of course I do!

Two shots later…
(DT is sitting on Blake’s lap. He’s blowing in her ear and she’s giggling with drunken pleasure)

BLAKE: You are so fucking beautiful. I knew I loved you as soon as we met.
I would do anything to have you. Literally.

DT: OMG You are so sweet! Did you know that I have a single?

BLAKE: (muttering) I wanna get in your pants- SINGLE! Can you show me? Please??!!

DT: Yeah, duh! Can you bring that handle, too?

BLAKE: Sure! (picks up the handle and tries to get up from his seat but is immediately punched and bitch-slapped by Juan, “The Hot One,” and Mandela) Guys! (whining) I’m trying to get busy with my baby!

(They exit, leaving a wake of stumbled-over things and drops of liquor on the floor, as well as condoms that were being thrown at them as they left. As the door slams a loud noise emerges that sounds suspiciously like crashing and rolling. One can only assume the worst.)

The next morning, at Grundle Brunch…
(The night passed uneventfully without Blake or Drunktank to fill the role of “That Guy” and “That Girl.” Everyone is seated except for Blake-DT. They arrive shortly, him carrying her tray with his other hand on her ass. They giggle and kiss as they sit down.)

J/G: (erupts in perfect laughter) So how was your night, guys?

(Before DT can answer, Blake yells out): We didn’t even make it to her single! I found a condom in the hallway and we took it as a sign that we were meant to fuck right then and there! So we fucked in the hall and it was awesome!

DT: (smacks him playfully) Blake! You weren’t s’posed to tell! You promised!
(The Stoned laugh and gag)

BLAKE: But honey, my love for you is too strong! I wanna marry you!

DT: Whoaaa, that’s weird. I’m out. (As she leaves, Blake begins to cry uncontrollably)

BLAKE: But I love you! Drunktank, you know me better than anybody else!

(The scene ends with a close-up on a tear on Blake’s face, then to his hand where he is holding a condom that he hoped to use after brunch).

ZACKATTACK!: Drunktank may know Blake best, but I know better. (Is playing Water Pong against Nick the Brick and sinks one) Those who can’t handle the drunken hook-up such as Blake should focus less on drinking and more on not making an ass out of themselves. Getting fucked up and fucking DT may be fun, but losing your virginity to a girl who is only using you is less fun, unless you’re using her, and I would know. (Sinks another cup. NTB starts to wail) The moral of the story is, when you drink DO NOT attempt to ensnare the Drunktank with love, because above all else, even when shitfaced, Drunktank knows best. (wins the game)