...with a spotlight on: History Repeating, guest starring Tyson as "T-Bag" and Offc. Blow as "Po-Po".
In our last episode, Drunktank had wooed and destroyed not one but two sketchballs, but switched it up a bit by making them of two different sexes. When she woke up the next morning, she had an epiphany. She was tired of not remembering any of her nights and hook ups, and being made fun of relentlessly for them. Since the time of that night to the present she had given up drinking for good, doing so by going to frats sober and having animalistic sex with drunken freshman. For DT, sex became a substitute for drinking. Now it is the last day of her sophomore career, and she is feeling a bit sentimental.
Scene opens with a close-up on a picture frame. In it is a shot of Drunktank surrounded by everyone on the fateful Mardi Gras night. She is taking a shot while another is in her hand, as the table of people is either staring awkwardly or pointing at her. Needless to say, it is quintessential Drunktank.
DT: Oh what a night! (starts crying) How can you miss something so much but yet be so glad that it’s gone?
BALZ: Are you talking about Herpes or your imaginary friend Dildo?
DT: Neither! I’m talking about drinking. Like, I’m glad that I have sex a lot now, but I had sex a lot when I was drunk, too, so not really anything has changed. Wait… were you making fun of me, Balz?
POGOF: No one would ever make fun of you Dtank. Ever.
BALZ: Not ever.
B-W: No way no how.
DT: OK guys, like I get it! I can’t believe it’s almost over!
POGOF: What you’re self-imposed drinking exile or the school year?
DT: Obvi! the school year. Like, I won’t see so many people for so long! It’ll be as wack as crack!
BALZ: Wait- your crack or drug crack?
DT: Obv! Drug crack. My crack is sexy as a donkey on a leash.
POGOF: So, embarrassingly un-sexy?
DT: Well anyway I really want to spend some time with everybody before everyone leaves. We should invite T-Bag over.
B-W: He’s already here! (T-Bag walks through the door, and with a flip of his goddess-like hair he is pounced upon by his identical twin POGOF, who squeals like a new-born kitten as Balz yells his name over and over again.)
T-B: Hey (he says this with the utter manliness that most man-boys dream off, which stems from his ability to turn any liquid into Steel Reserve and make girls’ panties come off with a single carve of his longboard)
DT: (while humping his leg) What’cha doin’ tonight, T-Bag?
T-B: Prolly watching mst3k and eatin some grub.
DT: That’s it, I’m drinking!
T-B: Cool?
B-W: And your recent sober-ness? Does it mean nothing to you now?
DT: Dudes, it’s like the last time I’m a gonna see some folks for a while, cuz I’m going to
ALL: We know.
DT: Sooooo, drinking!!! (She runs down the hall, sneakily, to the Mansion, where she raids their fridge and scurries back into the Suite with the loot) Guys I found some!!!
POGOF: That looks like the shit that the Mansion boys bought especially for this weekend.
DT: Nuh uh! It’s mine! See? (she points to all of the containers, which now have ‘DT’ carved on them in marker)
POGOF: That’s actually washable marker.
DT: Not when I drink it! (She chugs for a total of two seconds and then falls flat on the floor) Drunk Drunk Drunk Me Me Me!
BALZ: At least we know her tolerance hasn’t changed a bit. (T-Bag is laughing so hard that he is crying and hunched over in the fetal position, while POGOF is stroking him and trying to hold back gasps of delight)
DT: I wanna go out! Let’s go! (She scurries, once again, down the hall to the Mansion, where the boys [and Mer] all have vacant expressions on their faces while watching Paintball on ESPN2) Guys! We’re going streaking- I mean partying!
SS/MTV: In either case, count me out! Hahaha, get it?
NTB: Uh, no. Where are you partying?
DT: Like downtown
MER: DT, I think we know where downtown is. We live here, too. Steve, can’t you see that we’ve all clearly had about enough of this too-boring-to-be-a-sport Paintball? Turn it the fuck off if you don’t want your computer privileges taken away again.
NIMH: But honey, I get so much pleasure out of it! Can’t I, just this one-
MER: NO! I should be all the pleasure you need! NOW TURN IT OFF!
NIMH: Yes, Mer. Can we cuddle?
NTB: Haha you just said cuddle. Pussy. Real men don’t ask they do.
SS/MTV: I do! Hahah get it? Wait, Steve, are you pulling out a condom? Get the FUCK out of my suite. We are no longer roommates.
NIMH: I was just trying, Oh fuck it! (Steve waddles out of the suite, crying as he tries to give himself a hug but fails)
NTB: Well, I can’t speak for ZA!, but I’d say we’re ready to go whenever you are, DT.
ZA!: Oh I’m ready to go!
NTB: Kick it!
DT: Wait, I gotta go talk to the Stoned!
SS/MTV: Hurry your drunk ass up ho. (The girls sans Mer scamper down to the room of JJJ, where the boys are stoned out of their heads)
DT: Hey guys wanna come party? I have a tongue ring!
J/G: Well, you know what they say about girls with tongue rings… I’m down.
KC: (impish grin) What do they say?
J/G: Well, to quote Chris Rock in “No Sex in the Champagne Room,” ‘If a girl has a tongue ring, she’ll probably suck your dick. If a guy has a tongue ring, he’ll probably suck your dick.’
DT: I love it when guys have tongue rings! Let’s go guys, I’m in a big big hurry!
THO: In girl talk that means ‘I’m horny as fuck.’
JJ: Let’s hit it.
DT: Yea! Go time!
(The motley crew heads downtown, quickly finding a party at a bar. Soon enough, DT is dancing on the bar to the tunes of Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie.’ Unfortunately, she attracts more attention than she can handle)
DT: (to the girls) Come up and dance with me!
THE GIRLS: Um, no. (With this rejection DT leans down and bites all of them quite hard on the shoulder) What the fuck, DT?
DT: DT hungry. Want to dance.
SS/MTV: Dudes, check it out, DT is totally eating the girls… literally, not the hot way.
MANDELA: Hot. (Suddenly, an oddly recognizable man stands up, wearing a beat-up leather jacket and tight-ass Wrangler jeans. He flashes a badge at the Tank)
POPO: Ma’am, if you could step down from that table?
DT: Nooooooooooooooooooo!
POPO: Well, ma’am, if I could see your ID and confirm that you are in fact 21, then I will only charge you with public drunkenness and attempted battery on these young women.
DT: Uh, I forgot it at home? Awk?
POPO: Well then ma’am I’m gonna have to take you down to the station.
DT: No! Anything but that! I haven’t even finished my drink! I was just dancing! I’m blonde! I’m not that drunk! I have a tongue ring!
POPO: Well, if you would take a breathalyzer to confirm that you are not drunk I will gladly let you off the hook.
DT: Ok! Sounds great!
POPO: If you’ll just follow me. What’s your name young lady?
DT: My friends call me the Tank.
POPO: That is an extremely alluring name… (DT and Popo leave the bar, with DT giggling like a lovesick puppy and Popo smiling and asking to see her tongue ring)
NTB: Isn’t that a bad idea, her going off with a cop?
THO: What the Tank wants the Tank gets.
ZA!: That IS true. You can’t tame the Tank, no matter how hard you try.
J/G: Yeah, didn’t you guys date or something?
ZA!: I didn’t actually know we were dating at the time. Apparently she was sober for the entire time to support me.
JJ: How long did you guys date?
BALZ: Less than a day-ish.
MANDELA: That’s straight-up love.
Two hours later, DT and Popo return…
DT: We’re back! OMG guys we saw the greatest movie! It’s called the
POGOF: You would.
B-W: So, are you arrested?
POPO: I decided to let this one go. She explained the whole situation to me very thoroughly and I realized that she was completely innocent.
POGOF: About as innocent as her tongue ring is right now.
DT: Hey! How’d you know I have a tongue ring?
NTB: Maybe because your mouth is open 99.9% of every day?
DT: Nuh uh! You guys are liars!
JJ: Absolutely not! You take that back DT!
DT: Ok! Hey, what are you guys drinking? My Officer and a Gentleman here, who I call Mr. Blow, has offered to buy us all drinks on the house!
BALZ: DT if it’s on the house it means it’s free from the bar, not that he’s buying them.
DT: What-ev, shots! (Takes ten) Guys, I’m gonna miss you so much! Like do they have alki in
POPO: I can send you alcohol, baby. It can be just like the movie we saw.
DT: Oh, my favorite! To tell you the truth I don’t remember much of it, but it was awesome! Maybe I should drink more and then I’ll remember?
ALL: Um, obvi!
(Scene ends with the group pulling out a special goodbye handle for DT, who guzzles it with all the strength that her tongue ring can muster. Soon enough she passes out and is taken back to the dorm with her one true love, Off. Blow, who she finds quite handy in getting out of trouble with the law, but in true DT fashion she dumps him once she realizes that he is way too fucking old and not wealthy enough to support her pool boy fixation. Also, she misses the youthful vigor of Blake)
ZA!: Oh, DT. Who would have ever foreseen her newest fling being with a Po-po? Me, that’s who. DT has gone through some foxy men (myself included), but a guy whose last name is Blow? Hot damn. What-ev, I’m just sad that I didn’t know about the tongue ring before all these shenanigans began. It’s pretty hot. But I’ll be interested to see how she deals in
This episode takes place on Straight-Up Mardi Gras, with a spotlight on: Bitch Fight!, with guest appearances by Random Girl as "RG" and Sketchy Asian Man as "SAM."
Finally, the sacred time for all lovers of drunk and tit [everyone] to celebrate and throw careless worries like Herpes and the actual monetary value of plastic beads out the window. DT is front row center for a hella good time at the bar called Steamroller, accompanied by her Suite-ass bitches, the Mansion, and the Stoned. Literally everyone in the bar is drunk, except for ZA!, who is fucked up on all kinds of Kedem grape juice.
Everyone is sitting in a wraparound table except for DT, who has lost only her sweatpants from her previous costume, but has added approximately 72 pounds of beads onto her body, mostly from perfecting the art of what she calls the worm standing up, but is actually just balls-out humping people. The table had created a drinking game which made the participants take a shot every time DT: shrieked with delight, saw liquor, or got a beaded necklace. This happened too frequently, so it was cancelled after a minute and a half. The scene begins with a close-up on a filled shot glass. The glass is soon grabbed by not one hand, but two.
DT: WTF, mate!?
RG: OMG! Like, bitch that’s my shot. (RG, though not as classy as the DT [but who is?] is certainly trying. She is obviously blonde, obvio wearing denim mini-shorts with the pockets out, obvi wearing a pink see-thru bra, and obv wearing more make-up than a clown/ French whore/ Theta girl.) I know you did not just touch my alki, boa-face!
BALZ: Uh, oh. DT has some competition.
NTB: But which one is blonder?
THO: Not blonde enough, if you ask me.
DT: Bitch oh no you di’in! (DT lunges at the rival beast, grasping first for her rival’s beads so that she can truly have more. RG, unfortunately being less drunk [obvi!] than the champ Tank, is able to use her whorish cheetah moves and move out of DT’s way, who falls on the floor. She takes this opportunity to self-advertise, once again, and proceeds to do the worm on the floor, but just ends up humping some guy’s leg.)
RG: Take that, you stupid hobag. Go back to the drunktank where you belong.
DT: Wait, how did you know my name? For serial, like are we soulmates?
RG: (Has taken five more shots since their “fight” and is beginning to feel it) Haha you’re blonde too! That’s wicked sweet! Have you ever kissed a girl?
DT: Like a million!
RG: How many for real?
DT: Does trying count?
POGOF: If trying counts, then DT is the girl make-out champ.
RG: No.
DT: (Hangs her head) Then none. You wanna be my first? (Immediately after saying this, RG grabs DT by the ears and wrenches her toward her gaping slobbery mouth. DT giggles with delight and wags her tongue all around RG’s mouth, slowly taking off her clothes. Unfortunately for her, RG spots her “Dangles Wuz Hear” tattoo on her danger spot, as well as the many Stars of David, which RG sees as marked places)
SS/MTV: Holy fucking shit.
NIMH: Don’t see that everyday, but I wish I did (looks longingly at his Wife and Mistress) Continue!
RG: Bitch, you’s a ho! You frontin’ on me?
DT: No, I’m just loving you!
RG: Look behind you bitch, it’s the door, the only thing that will be smacking yo trailer trash skanky ass tonight.
DT: Not if I smack it first! (With this DT sprints to the door, gets distracted by the bartender pouring a shot and smacks headfirst into the burly door, ending up knocked out on the floor)
BW: Uh, oh. The Tank is down for the count.
SAM: I can help! I’m a doctor! (SAM is Sketchy Asian Man, who has been on the outskirts of the group for the entire night, secretly buying drinks for DT and eyeing her. After stalking his prey for hours, it appears that he is ready to make his move) Come here beautiful, let me take you to my hospital. (He drags DT back up to the bar and lays her out on top of two barstools. The renewed smell of alcohol awakens the Tank)
DT: Yum yum? Mamma wants her crunk juice.
SAM: Shhhhhh (places his finger on her mouth) You’re weak, mon cherie. Let me take care of you. I saved your life.
DT: (now fully awake) You didn’t save my life, my crunk juice did!
SAM: But I’ve been buying your precious crunk juice for you all night! Can’t you see that I love you?!
DT: YOU were the one buying all those shots? In that case, let me properly thank you. (She stands to her feet, and gasps as the epic song “Turning Japanese” comes over the speakers. She pulls SAM to his feet and they sway to the rhythm of the beat, DT giving him cocktease-like kisses. Once the song is over, however, she sings a different tune) Yo, I’m out.
SAM: But why, we were having such a good time. And I love you. You could stay a lil longer, right? We could get married!
DT: Nah, man. I don’t care if you are a doctor. I NEED to marry a Harvard grad with oodles of disposable income who is over the age of 75 so that I can have my precious pool boy.
SAM: Let me be your pool boy!
DT and the crew head out back to the dorm. As soon as they enter UHeights DT has completely forgotten about the entire night, but wonders why her mouth feels dry. She later blames it on the alki, and passes out to the soothing sounds of “Turning Japanese,” which she has a renewed fondness for some reason that she cannot remember.
ZA!: Two in one night! DT’s a stone fox! Or is that the Kedem talking? Anyway, in this case I am not actually sure if DT knows best. First a girl, then a guy, then not remembering? Oy vey! But I can honestly say that she may in fact still know best because she was able to get out of both situations with gusto and her class intact, almost, as it always should be.
...with a spotlight on : A Born-Again Drunktank.
When we last “ran into” Drunktank, she had vomited and molested her way into THO’s body and room. Now, she feels that she has found her newest soulmate in ZA!, and her love appetite for him is insatiable. Ever since they have been together [~22 hours, 21 of them filled by hungover sleep and the other one filled by DT’s blackout] DT has been inspired by ZA! and has given up drinking- this time for good. Or so she thinks…
Scene opens with a close-up on a Matzah box. A zoom-out reveals it to be in the hands of the DT, who has a serene smile on her face. Also out of the ordinary is her outfit. She is wearing yellow, FITTED Capri pants that do not reveal her crack area. She is also wearing two pink double popped Polo shirts, apparently inspired by her secret crush, who she will only call ‘Jawann.’ She is seated Indian-style, flanked by her girls Bon-Wih, Balz, and POGOF, who are not dressed as smartly as her, though close. One’s wearing a towel, the other a t-shirt and underwear, and one’s naked. Guess.
DT: You know guys, I think this one is it. ZA! is the one. He is my jihad.
BALZ: I think you are using that incorrectly, especially holding a Matzah box.
DT: Doesn’t it mean someone that I would totally like fight for?
B-W: Uh, no.
DT: Well, what-ev. Nothing comes between me and my man. We do not have sex- we make love. It is spiritual, metaphysical, ideological, and heretical. We are IN LOVE.
POGOF: DT, you’ve been with him for less than a day. Have you even seen him? And why the fuck are you holding the Matzah box? Have you ever had matzah before? Here’s a hint: It sucks.
DT: You guys are just bringing me down with your non-Jewish ways of thinking. And for your information, I am holding my Matzah to get closer with my man. I would do anything for him- literally anything, which is why I have decided to give up drinking.
(At this announcement, B-W spits out her cous-cous, Balz spits out her carrots, and POGOF spits off what little clothing she had on)
B-W: So, um, this will last for…
DT: EVER! I am dedicated! And horny!
BALZ: You do know that Mardi Gras is this weekend, right?
DT: FUCK! (At this she jumps up, busting open her pants to reveal a more DT-like 18 inches of ass crack. She waddles and moans to The Mansion, crying like a wet weasel) ZA!, I have to break up with you, I love you too much, but it’s Mardi Gras! And I ran out of my beads from last year! And I have to have the most beads! I can’t take this anymore, I love you too much! (As she slams the door shut, sobbing louder than a donkey in labor, ZA! can be heard saying ‘We were dating?’)
(As DT slams open the Suite door, on her hands and knees from the pain of love’s labor’s lost)
BALZ: So how’d it go? You do the deed?
B-W: Hey, don’t be sad. We do believe in fairies, we do we do!
DT: I believe in the drinking fairy. Let’s get drunk whooo Mardi Gras! (She rips off her clothes to reveal three Star of Davids in strategically placed positions) Beads! Beads! Beads! Shots! Shots! Shots!
POGOF: Dude, Mardi Gras isn’t until this weekend. It’s still Tuesday you crazy fuck.
DT: Whateva I am ready to partayyyyy! (She goes into her room, slipping into something a little more comfortable: sweatpants with her cherry red thong pulled up, a black front-clasp bra and a blue boa. With a few smears of thong-matching lipstick and some boa-matching eyeliner, she is ready to party like it actually is Mardi Gras) Guys let’s go!
(For sheer entertainment value the girls follow, walking 15 feet behind and whistling to attract attention to the Tank [like she needs it] as they head downtown on a hot Tuesday night. Finally, DT sees something that at once arouses and frightens her, not an every-hour occurrence)
DT: OMG guys that guy driving the car was totally wearing a boa and a snake and a boa!
POGOF: How many boas or snakes was he wearing?
DT: Like a million! I want one!
B-W: Maybe you should go up and talk to him. Think of it like a homework assignment.
DT: Pssh! I don’t do homework! I’m the Tank, bitch! Peace out homedogs!
(DT runs as fast as her blue boa will take her, sprinting after the car. The driver, being that it is darkish, sees only a huddled mass screaming profanities and wearing next to nothing. Naturally, he speeds up. DT sees this, but continues chasing him for another twenty minutes until she can no longer see the car. Crushed, she flops down onto the ground into the fetal position and groans.)
DT: OOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why me? I don’t get it, like bad shit always happens. I wish there was a sign…
(Suddenly, a neon light turns on. Lucky for the Tank a bar across the street has just opened, aptly named Steamroller. The girls by now have caught up with the Tank. They help her up and escort her into the bar, where she is promptly bought 12 drinks by the various men at the counter. The other girls slither in and immediately make calls on their non-DT like non-crappy phones to the groups: The Mansion and The Stoned. Finally they will be combined in order to be witness to the spectacle that is about to take place.)
DT: You know what guys, I think that guy with the boas and the snakes was a sign! I think that for here on out I am meant to be either: In a bar, taking shots, hungover, or drunk! From this point on, I don’t care if I will have to lie, cheat, steal, or kill, I will NEVER be sober again!
(Scene ends with a close-up on the row of shots that the patrons of the bar have bought for her. The row seems never-ending)
ZA!: Yo, DT is a crazy motherfucker. First we’re dating, then we’re not, then she’s drunk, I mean this bitch is a one-woman fuck-razy! machine. It was cool that she saved me and all, but damn! All I can say is, this chick bettah watch herself for Mardi Gras- wait what the fuck am I saying she knows what she’s doing she’s the Tank!
To be continued…
Scene opens with a close-up on a door handle. Further zoom-out reveals it to belong to the door of the one and only D-tank. Loud giggling erupts from the interior of the door, as DT’s suitemates begin to investigate the nature of this noise. With puzzled but skeptical looks to one another, POGOF and Balz knock on the door of the DT.
DT: (loud hiccupping laughs) Come in! (Balz and POGOF enter, discovering DT on her chair with one leg perched on her desk and the other balancing her dangerously angled chair. Further examination reveals the source of this “giggling.” An almost empty handle with no cap is horizontal on the floor, with an upside-down sweaty shot glass next to the computer. DT seems preoccupied, however, with the site on her shitty ass mother-fucking computer) Guys, there’s this friend from back home- he’s so hot – and we’ve been playing a drinking game on AIM. I’m winning!
BALZ: How much have you had to drink?
DT: (shrugs her shoulders) Mwerp! About this much (holds her index and thumb fingers about a millimeter apart)
POGOF: Based on your breath and the overall stench of the room, I’d say that you’ve had a wee bit more than that.
DT: Nuh uh! OMG I am SOOO horny right now! Like damn!
BALZ: Hey, settle down there Tank. I think The Stoned are drinking tonight. Maybe you can find some company there.
DT: Guys you are so right! Hahaha let’s go girlies!
(The three leave to venture into the Land of the Stoned, where sectional couches in college dorms become a reality and bong rips for breakfast are more common than morning wood)
BALZ: (whispering to DT) Hey, maybe you should try to get “The Hot One” to take off his shirt!
DT: (giggles) OK! (She stumbles over to “THO” on the futon with her hands sneakily around her bust area in rabbit formation. She eventually makes it over to “THO,” who is wearing a dashing blue button-down shirt)
THO: Oh hey D-tank.
DT: How’s it hangin’ THO! Wow, you look really comfy! (DT climbs onto his lap, almost onto his head) Hahahaha! (She slowly slides down his body) OMG I love your shirt! Haha buttons! (She is on the floor now, and starts to slowly slide her hand up and down his chest area. One by one, she rips the buttons off) Wow, naked! Nice nipples, you wanna do body shots? I see beer! (DT reaches with her whole body, lunging for the precious alcohol as THO tries to button back up his dignity)
THO: Uhh, no thanks. (THO eases out of his seat as his cell phone lights up and rings)
DT: Well, do you at least wanna do stuff, like fuck? I LOVE to donkeypunch, you?
THO: Yo, I gotta take this. Peace.
DT: But! Huff! Harumph! (She pouts and sulks until she sees what appears to be a 40) Haha I want some! (chugs) DT wants more! Wut-ev, I bet THO has liquor! Serves him right for rejecting the Tank!
(DT scoots out of the room and stumbles her way down to his room. She trips and tears down the curtain in her drunken-blind-blueballed-state, vomits on the floor and picks up THO’s alcohol, all while cackling like a crazy emotional drunk girl. She runs back up to The Room of JJJ, where she drunkenly {slurring} retells the story to everyone sans the vomit. Minutes later, THO returns)
THO: Who the fuck drank my booze, puked everywhere, and fucked up the whole fucking room? (He delivers this in an eerily calm monotone, obviously gritting his teeth. His jaw muscles tense and pop as he is ready to tear some shit apart. Quick visual: he still has only buttoned one button of his shirt)
(DT starts giggling and turning red, unable to control herself for a sneaky job well done): Guys, that’s mean and stuff. Like who would do that?
MANDELA: Gross, you puked everywhere?
JJ: Yo, you didn’t tell us that shit.
THO: I never should have crossed the Tank. (Puts his head in his hands and then immediately kicks a hole into a nearby wall. The end is a close-up on DT’s drunken mouth, as it laughs and then is filled with more alcohol)
ZACKATTACK!: (ZackAttack! is setting volleyballs against the walls of the Mansion, inches away from the massive TV and an ever-sleeping SS/MTV) Ok, so check it, when DT wants something, DT GETS something. It may not be what she wanted originally, but boy will she get it. Long story short, don’t mess with a Tank, especially when it’s Drunk. Cuz when a Tank is Drunk it always knows best, and if you say different you will get fucked UP yo. Aw, shit. (His volleyball hits and wakes SS/MTV, who groans, reveals an erection, and yells out, ‘You know what I said would happen if you did that again, ZA!’) Nooo! (ZA! Runs into NTB’s bear arms, as NIMH distracts SS/MTV with a cat on a fishing line) Drunktank!!! Save me! (DT miraculously hears him and comes into the room, providing the ultimate de-erection through her newest dance moves)
DT: Now we’re totally in love, ZA!
ZA!: Uh, I’m not so sure about this…
